Understanding the NFL Play-Off Picture

(December 23, 2009) --- With the regular season winding down, the NFL play-off picture may seem a little bit blurred... except, of course, for the fact that once again... the Bears still suck.

Well the PackerPage is here to take that blurred play-off picture, add a bit of cheese, and smear it around just a little bit to try to explain the "who's" and "how's" of the NFL post-season.

NFL Commish Roger Goodell determining the 2010 schedule.

Now the Saints, Vikings, Cards, Colts and Eagles have all somehow clinched a spots in the NFC play-offs and everyone knows the Indianapolis Colts (14-0) are a shoe-in to end the season undefeated and cruise to the Super Bowl.  That is unless Larry Csonka, Bob Griese and Nick Bounticonti run into Peyton Mannings in a dark alley somewhere within the next couple of days.  But what about all the other teams that are battling for one of those few remaining play-off slots?

Well here (for your head-scratching enjoyment) is a PackerPage breakdown of each team's chances of making it into the NFL post-season.


NFC

Minnesota Vikings
...can clinch a first-round bye with:
1. a win and a Philadelphia loss or tie, OR
2. a Minnesota tie and Philadelphia loss; AND
3. if Brett Favre doesn't retire this week.

Philadelphia Eagles
...can clinch the NFC East division with:
1. a win and a Dallas loss or tie, OR
2. a tie and a Dallas loss, OR
3. if the Cowboys don't show up to their last two regular season games.

New Orleans Saints
...can clinch Home-Field advantage if:
1. the Saints go marching in.

Green Bay Packers
...can clinch a playoff spot with:
1. a win and a NY Giants loss or tie, OR
2. a win and a Dallas loss, OR
3. a tie and a NY Giants loss, AND
4. a defense that gets their heads out of their asses.

Dallas Cowboys
...can clinch a playoff spot with:
1. a win and a NY Giants loss or tie, AND
2. a lot of cheating.


AFC

San Diego Chargers
...can see a play-off game by:
1. buying their tickets through Ticketmaster, OR
2. watching it on TV like the rest of us slugs.

New England Patriots
...can clinch AFC East division title with:
1. a win or tie, OR
2. a Miami loss or tie, AND
3. an extra sensitive zoom-lense.

Cincinnati Bengals
...can clinch AFC North division title with:
1. a win and a Jacksonville loss or tie with a NY Jets loss or tie, a Denver loss, a Pittburgh loss or tie and a Denver loss (oh wait, we've already said that) and a Miami loss. Did we also mention that Tennessee's team plane has to breakdown, swine flu must infect all members of the Jaguars, Dolphins, Titans and Oilers and the final score of their last regular-season game must add up to a whole prime number that is divisable by 2, AND
2. a lawyer to figure all this stuff out.

Baltmore Ravens
...can clinch a playoff spot with:
1. a win, AND
2. another win, OR
3. a move back to Indianapolis.

Denver Broncos
...can clinch a playoff spot when:
1. pigs fly, OR
2. hell freezes over, OR
3. monkeys fly out of your butt.

Em-Bear-Assed!

(November 24, 2009) --- Janet Jackson’s NFL moment was finally topped! Or, should we say, bottomed.

And keep in mind that all this didn’t occur in the first quarter, second quarter or even the third quarter... it happened in the hindquarter!

Last Sunday the Chicago Bears were more than a little behind. While trailing the Philadelphia Eagles with less than two-minutes left in the game, Bears veteran Devin Hester ran a slant pattern butt dropped more than just the football.

In an attempt to prevent Hester from catching the ball on a 3rd-and-one play, Eagles cornerback Dimitri Patterson horse-collared Hester about 20-inches too low and unintentionally de-pantsed da-Bears receiver exposing his backside on national TV.

The PackerPage apologizes in advance for posting this offensive picture of someone wearing a Chicago Bears jersey.

And we thought Jay Cutler was the big ass in Chicago.

Seeing Hester’s hiney apparently didn’t inspire his teammates as Cutler threw an interception a couple of plays later effectively canning the game for the Bears.

In the end there was a bit good news-bad news regarding a certain Bears’ booty. The good news is Devin picked up an endorsement deal with Heineken... the bad news is that he was fined after Roger Goodell heard about Hester’s crack on the field.

In related news, Brian Urlacher shaved his legs and wrecked ‘em.

Bad Chad

(November 14, 2009) --- "The kickback is corrupt..."

Last week Cincinnati Bengals receiver Loco Ocho Cinco tried bribing an NFL referee during his team’s game against the Baltimore Ravens.

With the Bengals up 14-3 in the third quarter, Ocho caught a 15-yard Carson Palmer pass near the sideline. The side judge ruled it a catch, but the Ravens argued that Ocho’s zapato was out of bounds. While the ref was reviewing the play on the sideline, Ocho borrowed a dollar bill from an assistant coach and playfully tried to slip the George Washington into the hands of another official with the hopes their review of the play would go Cincy’s way.

Here's a nice picture of Ocho Cinco trying to grease the palm of one of the zebras.  By-the-way, ain't the Bengals team colors Orange and Blackmail?

Well, the ref was clearly appalled. A dollar? Come on!

Apparently the going rate for having an NFL official alter a call is $20,000… at least according to the latest Dallas Cowboys bribing rate card. And the last time a player bought-off a referee for less than a five-spot was almost 90-years ago when the Staleys were miraculously winning games in Chicago.

Minus the one-dollar already in the hands of the refs, the officials have amended their demands on Mr. Cinco and are now only extorting $19,999.

Talk about refereemuneration.

We’ll be back right grafter this…

Tailgate Alert... Free Food!!!

(November 13, 2009) --- Don’t forget to join all of your Packer pals for the pre-game tailgate happening before the Packers-Cowboys game this Sunday afternoon (11/15/09) from 12:30 to 3:30pm at the Waitiki Lounge in the Wall Street Plaza (15 N. Orange Avenue) in downtown Orlando!  There will be lots of free food for all CFPB members including yummy Johnsonville brats, Chris’s German potato salad and other tasty tailgate treats!  Please pass the word to all your Packer pals!

Don't forget to grab your Johnsonville this Sunday at the Waitiki... hell, it don't cost nuthin'!  So whadya say?  Get off you dupa and join the groupa!

Then after you fill your tummy with all that great food we’ll all head next door to One Eyed Jack’s for the Green Bay-Dallas game where there will be lots of great prizes including a 2-day stay at Disney’s Lake Buena Vista Resort!  Ooooh... nice!  Click here for more info!

But wait!  There's more!

Be sure to mark your calendars for the Packer Backer social event of the year!  It’s the San Francisco Forty-Winer and Cheesehead Social on Sunday, November 22, 2009!  Who says we Packer people ain’t sophisticated?  Put on your finest Green Bay t-shirt, extend your pinky finger and then join the CFPB club as we sample a variety of wonderful Wisconsin cheeses and several bottles of wine.  Paper bag not included.  

Also on that same Sunday, November 22nd, you'll have a chance to win a pair of Lambeau Leap game tickets!  Yes, you heard right!  Some lucky CFPB member with good attendance at One Eyed Jack’s will win a pair of “Lambeau Leap” tickets to the Packers-Seahawks game on December 27, 2009 at Lambeau Field! Remember… you must be present to win.

Here's a nice picture of Gary and Jack Badzinski, last year's Lambeau Leap ticket winners!  Every year is a Leap Year for the CFPB club!

And don’t forget to bring your family and friends for a CFPB holiday gathering… it’s the Detroit Turkey-Day Pot-Luck Banquet on Thursday, November 26, 2009.  Come celebrate Thanksgiving with the rest of your CFPB family at One Eyed Jack’s!  As usual we’ll supply the turkey… all we ask is that you bring a tasty dish to the table to share with all your Packer pals.

The Thanksgiving party begins at 12:30pm.  We’ll feed our faces while we watch our Packers pick-apart the Detroit Turkeys... and then we’ll all take a nap during the Dallas game.

Then last time we had our CFPB Thanksgiving Feast there was beaucoup food... and this was just the pie table!  Mmmm... pie.

Please take a moment to check out our CFPB Event Schedule so you don’t miss out on all the fun and games and prizes.  In fact, print out a copy and post it on your refrigerator.  Why?  Well because it will burn on the stove, silly!

See you this Sunday at the tailgate!

Ted Nugent + Jack Blades + Tommy Shaw =

(November 5, 2009) --- Hose down the sidewalks and hide the hookers, it’s time for New Yorkers to celebrate World Series win number 27!

“Start spreadin' da boos...”

Last night the New York Yankees defeated the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies 7-3 in Game-6, winning their very first World Series crown since way, waaaay back in 2000. Yes, New York’s long national nightmare is over... and all 8-year old Yankee fans can now sleep peacefully knowing they have finally seen a Major League Baseball Championship. It’s now just a matter of time until Derek Jeter’s glove, Hideki Matsui’s bat and Kate Hudson’s arse will all be inducted into the New York Yankee Hall-of-Fame.

Bud Selig celebrating the victory.

Although the win was inspiring for all arsonists, looters and car-tippers in the Big Apple, it was especially exciting for Alex Rodriguez and Hideki Matsui’s translator. In post-game interviews A-Roid seemed major-league thrilled with baseball’s top crown, his eight-figure salary and the fact the championship came during the Yankee’s first year in their brand new 1.5-billion dollar ballpark. As Jorge Steinbrenner may have said as he slowly disappeared into the cornfield, “If you build it, they will succumb... and I will ruuule the World!!!! um... Series. (evil laugh).”

But then again, when you spend 100-million dollars more than the team with the second-highest payroll, you probably should win a World Series every once in a while.

Just sayin’!

It’s just too darn bad for Milwaukee baseball fans that the team pays its players in bratwurst.

Oh, Those Crazy* Raiders

(November 2, 2009) --- It seems that Tom Cable treats women like John Madden treats turducken.

Ever since the Oakland Raiders head coach “accidentally” broke assistant coach Randy Hanson’s jaw during an altercation last August, news of other “fits of rage” have reared their fugly head.

Three women, including two former wives and a recent girlfriend, claim Coach Cable has a history of violent behavior toward women. To provide some perspective, a veteran Oakland Raiders tackling dummy told the PackerPage that even he was treated better.

He looks like the kind of guy who lets his kids light fireworks with a cigarette.

The Napa County DA’s office explained that Cable merely “bumped” into Hanson's chair knocking him over and that's why he now talks out of his left ear. Apparently, the fist-imprint on Hanson’s chin was just a coincidence.

Please Al... disconnect the Cable.  Go mireless.

(*crazy... ie: “F’ed Up.”)

Happy Halloween from the PackerPage!